Having a rough go of it.

This week has been absolutely horrible. It started out ok but quickly came to a grinding halt when my husband decided to leave me on Tuesday. I am heartbroken and my kids are so sad. Brittney and Daniel are actually so stressed they are gettnig sick. He is being so selfish. He is hurting our family. I know he is coming back but just having to wait on him to "be ready" is not fun. I am trying to stay strong for my kids but it is hard.

My friend, Jenny, has been helping me out the last couple of days. i could not have made it through this without her. She has really stepped up as a friend. I am so grateful! We have been deep cleaning the house. It needs to be done. I have just let it go so much. It is just become so over whelming. I know I have put things off and put things off.

It has been 3 days of hell mixed with lots of tears and rage. I just want everything to be over and things to go back to normal. Who know when that will happen. My kids need their dad and I need my husband. Our family needs to stay together. I keep praying and praying. I will just have to wait for God to do his will in this situation.

Snow days of 2010

We have been stuck in our home for 3 days. It rarely snows in Arkansas but when it does, it really does! It was so beautiful! The kids actually got to make a snowman for the first time and it will be a memory they will never forget. This is the first winter in about 15 years I haven't been so homesick for Utah. Usually we don't have much of a winter down here which is quite different from where I grew up in Utah. White christmases every year. Snow from November to April sometimes. This has just been such a blessed time for me. My husband has even had some time off so we have spent these few days together as a family. That is very rare for us. We are alway going off in different directions.

I do believe God has blessed me with the winter patch. I am not kidding! I can really get depressed right around January because i miss the winter weather. Call me crazy, call me what ever you want but this is a blessing to me. I posted a picture of the kids and their snowman. What a memory this will alway be!

I'M BAAAACK!!!!

Wow! It has been about a year and a half since I have posted anything on this blog! Wow Have things changed!
Well, Brittney is now 10 and a sassy 5th grader. She had a very rough 4 th grade year but is doing so much better this year. She is growing up so fast. It almost scares me. I just want her to stay a child but society wants her to grow up now. It is quite a battle with us. She is a good kid, though!

Lainey is now in the 1st grade. She is having issues. She cannot stop talking in class! She get in trouble a minimum of 5 times a day. I don't know what to do with her. I am praying God will give me the solution before her teacher loses her mind! She is 7 now and is really in a transition stage in her life. We are working on it.

Macey and Daniel are now 3. Boy, are they a handful! So sweet, though. Danny loves to sit and cluddle with me in the mornings. Macey likes to be left alone for a little bit so she can get awake. They are in their 2nd year of Carpenter's Kids. We were hoping this would be the last but since the state of Arkansas is changing the date to start school to August 15, we don't know if they will be able to start pre-k next year. We are just waiting to see what happens there.

A lot has changed in my life in the last 18 months. Too much to blog about. There has been good and bad. I do a lot of praying to keep me going everyday. I am planning to start a new diet and exercise program on Monday. I need to lose weight so badly. I will probably blog about it more. I need this outlet. I am going to finish watching Conan OBrian's last tonight show and then go to bed. Talk more later!

Where do we belong?

We went to church on Sunday just like we always do. I walked in and saw all the kids were dressed up in cowboy stuff. I was really confused. Why were so many kids dressed alike? Come to find out the kids were doing a drama during church and my kids were conveniently left out. I don't understand. Is there something wrong with me or my kids? I also had to hear about who was having dinner at who's house and again I wondered, why don't we ever get invited to anyone's house for dinner after church? I don't get it. People will bend over backwards to make sure you don't leave the church but don't do any outreach. Let me rephrase that, they don't do any outreach to us.

We have been attending CIC for nine years now and I still feel like an outsider looking in. Families who have been there a lot less time than us are being scooped up and taken in by everyone. Even the one who is always a problem is more a part than I am. And she only attends church to get attention! I don't know what to do. Do I leave? Do I stay and just sit there and be quiet like I always do? I live a very lonely life. I feel like I have no friends and I have to keep my kids spirits up. I try to keep them involved but then something like Sunday happens and they wonder why not us? I am mad. I don't know how to deal with this. It isn't good for Billie because now he doesn't see any reason to come with us. I know it is just another one of his excuses but he isn't coming. Hopefully this feeling will pass and I will find my place in this church. If not, I may have to find somewhere else and start over again. I hate that! I hate change! I guess I will just stay where I am at and be lonely and miserable.

School days are here again!!

The girls started school on August 18. Brittney is in the 4th grade and Lainey is in Kindergarten. It is now the 4th week of school and Brittney is already starting to have problems. I know she can do it but she does not apply herself. She is starting to say how much she hates school. I was hoping that she would be in about the 7th grade before she started that. She is so smart. Way smarter than I was at that age. I know she can be so much!! I was stupid and gave up my opportunities and I will not let that happen to my kids. One way or another they will do better. Lainey is like a sponge. She just absorbs all the info at school. She is having a little trouble staying out of trouble but I think she will grow out of it. They are both getting so big. I cannot believe how time has just flown. It seems like yesterday I held them in my arms for the first time and looked into their little faces.

Look at my little Daniel. He looks like his daddy. He is such a mess. He and Macey are starting Carpenter's kids on Tuesday and I will have four hours a week all to myself. I am looking forward to it. My time away from the twins is so limited. They are with me pretty much all the time. I love them very much but I am looking to time finding me. I have lost Raegan somewhere in the last few years. I guess I am learning to trust completely in God and he will take care of me. He is taking care of Carpenter's Kids and other finances, he is also taking care of me.

The quiet all around me

I am sitting here in my room and there is no noise. No screaming, kicking, hitting, yelling, running, nothing! My kids have been gone for 2 days now and I have missed them but also I have loved having some quiet time. I have forgotten what it is like to just have quiet. It is so nice. I haven't been sleeping well but i have really enjoyed the quiet. I really went through some stuff before they left. I started having nightmares about one of kids getting hurt. It is the first time I have been away from the twins so that was hard. I cried when mom drove away with them. Mom sent me pictures to show me that they are fine and having a great time. I will try to post some if I can figure out how to do it. They will be home on Saturday and I will be glad to see all of them but I just have to thank God for this break because I was on the verge of losing it. Thank you.

the heat is getting to me!!

Ok, It has been over 100 degrees for the last few weeks and that means my kids can't go outside and play. We have no shade so they must stay inside. Due to high gas prices we can't go out a whole lot. Mostly just to church on Sunday and Wednesday. Maybe a trip to Walmart. In other words, I have been trapped in this house with four kids and I am going insane!! School starts in 2 weeks and I cannot wait!! My mom is coming to get all 4 and take them home with her next week and I cannot wait!! I haven't had any time away from my kids in-wow-I can't remember. The trip to mom's will be the 1st time the twins have been away from me for more than a few hours. I have no time to myself. I feel like a horrible mom because I want time away from the kids. I don't even know who I am anymore. I got lost in this shuffle of family life. How is that? How do you lose your identity in your own family? Will I ever find myself again or is that being selfish? I don't have a clue!! I love my children with all my heart but I have to find a way to find who Raegan is again so I can be the best mom I can be.