Where do we belong?

We went to church on Sunday just like we always do. I walked in and saw all the kids were dressed up in cowboy stuff. I was really confused. Why were so many kids dressed alike? Come to find out the kids were doing a drama during church and my kids were conveniently left out. I don't understand. Is there something wrong with me or my kids? I also had to hear about who was having dinner at who's house and again I wondered, why don't we ever get invited to anyone's house for dinner after church? I don't get it. People will bend over backwards to make sure you don't leave the church but don't do any outreach. Let me rephrase that, they don't do any outreach to us.

We have been attending CIC for nine years now and I still feel like an outsider looking in. Families who have been there a lot less time than us are being scooped up and taken in by everyone. Even the one who is always a problem is more a part than I am. And she only attends church to get attention! I don't know what to do. Do I leave? Do I stay and just sit there and be quiet like I always do? I live a very lonely life. I feel like I have no friends and I have to keep my kids spirits up. I try to keep them involved but then something like Sunday happens and they wonder why not us? I am mad. I don't know how to deal with this. It isn't good for Billie because now he doesn't see any reason to come with us. I know it is just another one of his excuses but he isn't coming. Hopefully this feeling will pass and I will find my place in this church. If not, I may have to find somewhere else and start over again. I hate that! I hate change! I guess I will just stay where I am at and be lonely and miserable.

School days are here again!!

The girls started school on August 18. Brittney is in the 4th grade and Lainey is in Kindergarten. It is now the 4th week of school and Brittney is already starting to have problems. I know she can do it but she does not apply herself. She is starting to say how much she hates school. I was hoping that she would be in about the 7th grade before she started that. She is so smart. Way smarter than I was at that age. I know she can be so much!! I was stupid and gave up my opportunities and I will not let that happen to my kids. One way or another they will do better. Lainey is like a sponge. She just absorbs all the info at school. She is having a little trouble staying out of trouble but I think she will grow out of it. They are both getting so big. I cannot believe how time has just flown. It seems like yesterday I held them in my arms for the first time and looked into their little faces.

Look at my little Daniel. He looks like his daddy. He is such a mess. He and Macey are starting Carpenter's kids on Tuesday and I will have four hours a week all to myself. I am looking forward to it. My time away from the twins is so limited. They are with me pretty much all the time. I love them very much but I am looking to time finding me. I have lost Raegan somewhere in the last few years. I guess I am learning to trust completely in God and he will take care of me. He is taking care of Carpenter's Kids and other finances, he is also taking care of me.

The quiet all around me

I am sitting here in my room and there is no noise. No screaming, kicking, hitting, yelling, running, nothing! My kids have been gone for 2 days now and I have missed them but also I have loved having some quiet time. I have forgotten what it is like to just have quiet. It is so nice. I haven't been sleeping well but i have really enjoyed the quiet. I really went through some stuff before they left. I started having nightmares about one of kids getting hurt. It is the first time I have been away from the twins so that was hard. I cried when mom drove away with them. Mom sent me pictures to show me that they are fine and having a great time. I will try to post some if I can figure out how to do it. They will be home on Saturday and I will be glad to see all of them but I just have to thank God for this break because I was on the verge of losing it. Thank you.

the heat is getting to me!!

Ok, It has been over 100 degrees for the last few weeks and that means my kids can't go outside and play. We have no shade so they must stay inside. Due to high gas prices we can't go out a whole lot. Mostly just to church on Sunday and Wednesday. Maybe a trip to Walmart. In other words, I have been trapped in this house with four kids and I am going insane!! School starts in 2 weeks and I cannot wait!! My mom is coming to get all 4 and take them home with her next week and I cannot wait!! I haven't had any time away from my kids in-wow-I can't remember. The trip to mom's will be the 1st time the twins have been away from me for more than a few hours. I have no time to myself. I feel like a horrible mom because I want time away from the kids. I don't even know who I am anymore. I got lost in this shuffle of family life. How is that? How do you lose your identity in your own family? Will I ever find myself again or is that being selfish? I don't have a clue!! I love my children with all my heart but I have to find a way to find who Raegan is again so I can be the best mom I can be.

my little demon

I have been fighting a battle with myself for a long time. I hear this little voice inside my head telling me that I don't fit in. That they don't want me around. I fight this everytime I decide to get close to someone and I was ready to let my guard down and get close to people at church. That little voice started eating at me again. I really let it get to me. It was eating me up. I am so tired of letting my guard down and getting my heart stomped on. There is no one in my life that hasn't stomped on my heart. Walmart was the last one. They put me through the ringer. It was so painful. I finally told someone how I was feeling. They completely understood and are helping me through it. I feel so much better. I will beat this little demon. He will not come up at me again. I am ready to commit to these new friendships and I will not listen to the little voice anymore.

I am an idiot!!

Today was the first day of vacation bible school and I had a total meltdown. I went into it thinking that is was going to be easy and I was wrong. Due to some major miscommunication I was not prepared to teach my class. I know it was all my fault. I misunderstood the directions. Anyway, I totally melted down and ran into the bathroom. I left my twins to anyone who would watch them while I tried to pull it together. I'm not going to lie. I lost it. Thank God for Deborah who came into the bathroom, picked me up off the floor, and prayed for me. She helped me pull it together. I wiped my tears, sucked it up, and went out there to teach my class. It went pretty well. Tomorrow will go much better. I love to help with VBS but this is the first year I have had a teaching position. Normally I stay in the background and help. It's a big step for me. I am putting myself out there. Even if it's for 3, 4, and 5 year olds, I am doing it. I know I can do better and I will do better. The kids deserve it.

a great day to be a parent

I had such an amazing experience tonight. I got to watch my eight year old daughter, Brittney, accept Jesus into her heart. She and her best friend, Victoria, and Victoria's brother, Christian, were among 5 children who said the prayer to accept Jesus tonight at our Wednesday night children's program. It was amazing. As soon as she was done I went over to all three of them and just gave them a big hug. Christian looked up at me and said "I love you, Miss Raegan". That just touched my heart so much. They ran all over telling anyone they could find that they had accepted Jesus into their heart. I couldn't be any prouder than I am right now. My little girl is growing up so fast. It seems like just yesterday I held Brittney in my arms for the first time and now she will be turning nine in September. God has really blessed me with a wonderful daughter and friend.